In This Issue: September 27, 2007

• How to Hear No I've been working with managers teaching them coaching skills for the last little while.  One of the powerful places we look is "how to ask for what you want ... knowing that the answer may be no."  In organizations, that seems to be particularly difficult because saying/hearing "no" is often a challenge.  I loved Michael Neill's recent article on this - The Circle - and I hope you find the exercise it contains useful.
  
• The Market Place Michael Neill's Solutions Cafe. "Caffeine for the Soul." What's not to love about that?  A treasure trove of resources.
  
• Michael's Speaking In the coming months I'm running public workshops in Baltimore, Toronto, Prague and Mumbai.

Warm wishes,

Michael Bungay Stanier
Principal, Box of Crayons

PS - Know someone who hates to hear the word "no"? Please forward Outside the Lines to anyone you think might be interested.

How to Hear No

One of the very first editions of Outside the Lines was on the Art of Saying No - You can read it here   In it, I discussed why “Yes-itis” leaves us exhausted, the two types of “no” that you can say – and the reason why knowing how to say the second type of “no” is one of the secrets of success.

It’s all very well to be able to say no.  But almost as difficult as saying “no” is hearing it.  How easy it is to make up all sorts of reasons why you’ve been rejected.  In this edition of Outside the Lines,  I offer the following article by Michael Neill, who gives you the three reasons why someone might say no to you – and how to prepare yourself to hear each type.

"Every communication is either an act of love or a cry for help."
-from 'A Course in Miracles'

"Steve Hardison is a somewhat legendary figure in the coaching world, not only for his incredible effectiveness but also for the jaw dropping fees he charges and his ability to ask pretty much anyone for pretty much anything.

One of my favourite stories about him dates back to his time as a missionary for the Mormon church.  One time, Steve had gone up to a house and began speaking about the church's teachings with a man who answered the door.  While no doubt he had experienced doors being slammed many times over the years, this man went a step further and actually punched him in the face and Steve's nose began to bleed. Without missing a beat, he asked the man for a towel to help stop the bleeding so they could continue their conversation.

What is it that allows one person to ask and ask and ask for what they want while others stop themselves before even popping the very first question?

One answer is that it's our ability to not take the word "no" personally, no matter how dramatically that "no" may be delivered.  And one of the things that can make it considerably easier to do this is to know that that response invariably comes
from one of three places:

1. Fear that you will "make" them hear something they don't want to hear or do something they don't want to do.

2. A lack of information or understanding of how what you're asking will be of benefit to them either directly or indirectly.

3. A genuine awareness on their part that they do not want to be, do, or have what you are requesting.

If their response is coming from fear, you don't have to take it personally because it is about their internal state, not you or your external request.  If it's coming from a lack of information, it's still impersonal - it's up to you whether or not to continue until they have enough information to make an informed decision.  If they're saying "no" because they really don't want to, it's still nothing to do with you - it's simply a statement from them to them about their willingness to trust their own intuition, awareness and inner knowing.

So why do we take "no" so personally?

Because when we make our requests, we tend to put our self-image and self-esteem and even physical survival on the line along with whatever it is we are requesting.  Instead of simply asking for the sale, the job, or their hand in marriage, our self-directed subtext gets rolled into the question and what we are actually asking goes a little something like this:

"Would you please do as I'm requesting *and* approve of me, affirm me as a human being, ensure I have enough money to survive and let me know I'm worthy of your acceptance?"

That's a tall order for anyone, let alone someone you've never met before!

Here's a simple exercise I call "the circle" which will help you to prepare for any request you want to make without making or taking things personally...

Today's Experiment:

1. Imagine you are sitting in the very center of a circle.

2. Now, imagine that all the people who love and care for you take their place in that circle and are looking directly at you in a loving way.

Don't limit yourself to "reality" - your circle can include people from your past, present and future; it can include pets, characters from books and movies, even divine beings.  Keep filling the circle until you feel almost overwhelmed with an absolute knowing that no matter what you do or don't do, you are loved exactly the way that you are.

3. When you're ready, imagine someone you want to make a request of standing outside of the circle.  Continue to feel the love and care of your circle as you ask them for what you want from them and for them.

Once you've got the experience of being safely inside, there are a number of fun ways of making use of the circle to recondition your thinking about how easy it can be to ask for what you want:

*From within your circle, imagine the person says "no" out of fear that you'll somehow "make" them do something.  Can you see their fear?  How else could you respond to put them at their ease?

*Now, imagine them saying "no" because they don't have enough information. What could you do to make sure they really know how much what you are asking will do for them, directly or indirectly?

*Imagine they are saying "no" because they simply don't want to. Tune back into the loving faces and energy in your circle until you can hear that "no" and know it cannot harm you in any way, shape or form.  Then imagine yourself asking person after person again and again until some begin to enthusiastically say "yes" to your request! 

*What's the worst thing you can imagine someone saying or doing in response to your request?  Is it someone punching you in the face?  Shouting at you?  Pointing at you and laughing and whispering to their friends?

Whatever it is, connect with the energy of your circle and watch them do what they do, knowing that it is nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own unhappiness, confusion and misunderstanding.

4. Take your circle with you into the world.  Tune back into it in the moments before you approach anyone about anything until you know that no matter what happens, you are safe, you are valued and you are loved."

© Michael Neill and Genius Catalyst 2007

“What is a rebel? A man who says no.”
-Albert Camus, French author

“It comes from saying no to 1,000 things to make sure we don’t get on the wrong track or try to do too much.”
-Steve Jobs, American entrepreneur

“Yes and no are the oldest, simplest words, but they require the most thought.”
-Pythagoras, Greek philosopher

“Learn to say No to the good so you can say Yes to the best.”
-John C Maxwell, American author

“One must separate from anything that forces one to repeat No again and again.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche, German philosopher

“The art of leadership is saying no. It is very easy to say yes.”
-Tony Blair, British politician

-“After the final no, there comes a yes, and on that yes the future world depends.”
-Wallace Stevens, American poet

 

The Market Place: Michael Neill's Solutions Café

The Solutions Café is the 'inner circle' of Michael Neill’s GeniusCatalyst.com.

It’s a rich treasure trove of material
Here's a list of what's available to members:
- Streaming audio of 'The 7 Myths of Success'
- Success Made Fun Course
- A searchable archive of 500+ tips (worth the money alone, in my humble opinion)
- Over 40 hours of podcasts from the interview series 'Bringing Your Genius to Life', including interviews with Paul McKenna, Barbara Sher, Richard Bandler and more (a $400+ value)

Michael calls it “caffeine for the soul” … and it’s not just my love of espresso that makes me agree.  Just click on the cup of coffee called Solutions Cafe here.

Got It Going On: Michael's Speaking Gigs

There are some upcoming public workshops in Toronto, Baltimore and Italy.  You can find out more here

"The day was a huge success. My team felt invigorated with the new skills learned and found it extremely beneficial to practice the new techniques on a 'real life' example. Michael gave us some very practical tools and insights, but was also flexible and accommodating to the needs of the group. I have great confidence that my team will continue to apply the learning." - Melissa Gasson, Director, Kraft Canada.

Could I be of service to your organization? If you are responsible for booking speakers or organizing conferences, or know someone who is, find out more information here.

About Michael

Michael Bungay Stanier is the guy behind The Possibility Virus, an organization that provides products and services so people can have lives of fun inspiration and action.

To learn more about his corporate offerings, see BoxofCrayons.biz

You can find out more by contacting Michael directly at michael@boxofcrayons.biz or (+1) 416-532-1322.

Subscribe - To subscribe to Outside the Lines click here or go to PossibilityVirus.com.

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Michael Bungay Stanier is a professional keynote speaker, the author of the best selling coaching tool, Get Unstuck & Get Going ...on the stuff that matters and the creator of Eight Irresistible Principles of Fun and The 5.75 Questions You've Been Avoiding. A certified coach and Rhodes Scholar, he works with teams and organizations to help them do less Good Work and more Great Work.

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