Did
not finish
It's been an up and down week.  In
the space of 5 days I DNF'ed a triathlon (and to add to my
embarrassment had to be rescued from the middle of a lake
in front of 500 people), passed my highway driving test on
the second attempt, and took delivery from the printers of
my long-awaited book, Get
Unstuck & Get Going™.
The connection
between these three activities – and whether I finished
or not – lies in how much help I was willing to ask
for. For the triathlon, I'd decided to "go it alone" and
as a result had done almost nothing in the way of training.
For the second attempt to pass my driver's test I hired a
driving instructor to help me refresh my skills. And for Get
Unstuck & Get Going™, I've had an enormous
amount of support from a large number of people.
In this edition
of Outside the Lines, I'll look at why it's so hard to ask
for help. I'm also offering my readers a pre-publication special
for Get Unstuck & Get Going™. I'm releasing 500
copies before the official
publication date of September 14, and offering a 10% discount.
Read on to find out more.
Know anyone who's got
something they want to finish? Please forward Outside
the Lines (in its entirety
please) to anyone you think might be
interested. This community grows with
your help. As a thank you, I'll donate
10 cents for every subscriber to the
Nature Conservancy of Canada. You can
check out the great work they do at www.natureconservancy.ca.
I'd be delighted if
you should wish to
reprint (for free)
any part of Outside
the Lines in
your newsletters, websites and message
boards. Contact me at Michael@BoxOfCrayons.biz for
further details.
Michael Bungay Stanier
Principal, Box of Crayons
Don't
take my word for it
There's about a billion quotes out there
talking about how noble failure is. So
I've picked a few of the alternatives
"Nothing is more humiliating than
to see idiots succeed in enterprises we
have failed in."
Gustav Flaubert, French novelist
"If at first you don't succeed… failure
may be your style."
Quentin Crisp, British
comedian
"Ever tried. Ever failed.
No matter. Try again. Fail better."
Samuel Beckett, European playwright
"You have to honour failure
because failure is just the negative
space around success."
Randy Nelson, Head, Pixar University
"Don't think of it as failure. Think
of it as time-released success."
Robert
Orben, American comedian
Asking
for help
In North America, and in western societies
in general, the individual is king. The United
States in particular has deep roots in cherishing
the individual, symbolized both by the American
Dream (person makes good by overcoming vast
challenges) and by the enshrining of individual
rights into the US constitution.
It's a powerful mythology. It has a great
impact on how we see our leaders and ourselves.
We look for heroes and we expect to shape
our own destiny.
Part of what gets mixed up in the praise
of the individual is the sense that, as
an individual, you have to work it all
out yourself. In my experience, somewhere
along the line many of us have collapsed "being
responsible" into "doing it all
myself".
It's a heavy burden to bear. It means
that we often end up working too hard on
Good Work, and not nearly enough on Great
Work (I explain the difference between
Good Work and Great Work here)
Why do so many of us find it difficult
to ask for help? We make up all sorts of
reasons:
- I'd look weak if I asked for help
- I'm
not exactly sure what to ask for
- "They" don't
want to help
- I don't want them to say "no"
- If
they say "no" they're rejecting
me
- I don't trust anyone to do it as well
as I can do it
Two writers I've been reading recently
offer support to help resist the "hero" urge
and do it all yourself.
First, Meg Wheatley, in Leadership
and the New Science, points out that much of
our world is still based on Newtonian thinking
(basically, the world and its beings act
like a machine) and offers an alternative
perspective from newer science, quantum
physics. In the context of asking for help,
she draws two conclusions
- There are no independent
entities anywhere. Everything is in a
relationship. (In other words, don't
kid yourself that you're "doing
it alone").
- Control and order are two different
things. There can be order without control.
(In other words, consider letting go
of some of that control you're hanging
onto).
Secondly, James Surowiecki in The
Wisdom of Crowds also offers a powerful perspective.
He points to compelling evidence that a
crowd (so long as it's the right sort of
crowd, one that is diverse, independent
and "decentralized") will collectively
and more consistently make a smarter decision
that an individual. In other words, you're
actually dumber if you try and go it alone.
Asking for help from many people will increase
the wisdom of your decisions.
SOMETHING
TO PRACTICE
Write down a list of five people
who are your fans.
How can they support you in a challenge
you're facing right now?
How can they support you in that challenge
some time in the next month?
Who will you call to ask for help?
This is also a great time to apply Kate
Byron's approach and her four powerful
questions for reframing a situation. I
mentioned it in last month's newsletter
here.
WANT TO LEARN MORE? HERE ARE
SOME USEFUL
RESOURCES
You can download a copy of the
Action Acceleration™ Sheet for
free here.
It's a work sheet that supports you going
from a good idea to actually getting
something done. One of the areas it invites
you to examine is what type of support
you need to make this happen.
The drama triangle. I've written about the drama triangle and its roles
(victim, persecutor, rescuer) previously here.
One of the most powerful ways to break out of this unhealthy pattern of behaviour
is to ask for what you want.
Meg Wheatley, Leadership and the New Science. Wheatley takes
insights from quantum physics and brings them into the business world. This
is a provocative and challenging read [Canada US UK]
James Surowiecki, The Wisdom of Crowds. Bottom line: the group is smarter
than the individual. Surowiecki also shows how collective wisdom shapes decisions
in business and society. Malcolm Gladwell of The Tipping
Point fame calls this "the
most brilliant book I've read in years." [Canada US UK]
John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage
Work. Recommended to
me recently by Faith Fuller and Marita Fridjhon, founders of the highly acclaimed
Centre for Right Relationship (www.therelationshipcoaches.com).
The book goes well beyond marriage to the very heart of relationships in general.
One finding I thought intriguing: 69% of all issues in a relationship are perpetual – that
is, can't be "solved" – and that this is not a bad thing!
[Canada US UK]
Dee Hock, The Birth of the Chaordic Age. Dee Hock was the founder and CEO
of VISA, the largest commercial enterprise on Earth. It's a fascinating look
at how to walk the line between cooperation and competition (between chaos
and order, hence chaordic). [Canada US UK]
Comments?
Feedback?
Michael@BoxOfCrayons.biz
Get
Unstuck & Get
Going™ is Available
I'm thrilled to tell you that, at last, Get Unstuck & Get Going™ has arrived
from my printers.
It is the new self-coaching tool for managers,
coaches & trainers, and anyone who
occasionally gets stuck. Get
Unstuck & Get
Going™ combines radical design with fundamental
principles from coaching and creativity.
It is practical, inspirational and self-renewing.
When Get Unstuck & Get Going™ is officially
published on September 14th, it will sell
for US$50. However, the first 500 copies
of Get Unstuck & Get Going™ are available
now as a "hot off the press" special.
Buy
now and get:
- A 10% discount on the list price
- A unique numbered copy
- A signed and personalized copy (if requested)
- A copy of my popular The Eight Irresistible
Principles of Fun (value $10)
- And best of all, delivery straight from
the presses to you, rather than having
to wait another three months.
- There is a 25% discount on the list price
for orders of 10+ copies
Just a reminder of what some people are saying about Get
Unstuck & Get Going:
"This
is a terrific solution. It's not your
typical "self-help" book.
It's not just a practical self-development
tool. It's a powerful call to get going
on work that matters - to you, to our
world."
Dame Anita Roddick, founder
of The Body Shop
"What's most useful and rewarding
about Get Unstuck & Get Going is
its simplicity. Those looking for an
effective, straight-forward approach
to making significant and meaningful
changes in their lives will embrace this
book."
Daniel A. Martinage,
CAE, Executive Director, International
Coach Federation
"You have to love this book for
its format alone, let alone its wisdom.
It shows the impact of great design and
how what is profound does not have to
be obscure. Plus there is a quiet political
message in it that coaching is available
to all of us and is not a profession,
but a way of being with each other. Buy
the book, give it to people you care
about, and pick it up when you feel lost,
which for most of us, is all the time."
Peter
Block, author, Flawless Consulting and
The Answer to How is Yes
"Michael's book is a lot of fun
to read – it's a well organized
and highly creative book. I recommend
it to anyone who is looking for a way
to spark creative thinking."
Dave
Buck, CEO, CoachVille LLC
"Get Unstuck is to the mind what
exercise is to the body. It's a great
tool to use for a mental work-out and
to get unstuck!"
Helen Duguid, Former
Head of Great Leaders, Microsoft UK.
"A powerful blend of creativity
and action, Get Unstuck & Get Going
is as practical as it is provocative.
A terrific tool for coaches and clients
alike!" Karen
Kimsey-House, co-founder,
The Coaches Training Institute
"I was sceptical
at first, but boy was I proved wrong.
This is an inspiring, fun, stimulating
and challenging tool to push your thinking
way beyond normal limits. I love
the way you can use it to address issues
in totally different ways - using
emotions and feelings as well as thoughts and
ideas."
Sally Bonneywell
Director, Executive Development and Talent Management, GlaxoSmithKline
People love that this
tool combines the deepest principles of
creativity and coaching, and it's a source
of infinitely renewable possibilities.
Because of its unique structure, you can
generate 125,000 different possible perspectives
with this book to any challenge you might
have - and then work through the Action
Acceleration(TM) Sheet to commit
to doing something about it.
Buy
now
You can read more testimonials from other
leaders of the coaching and corporate worlds
at www.GetUnstuckandGetGoing.com.
You can also learn more about how Get
Unstuck & Get
Going™ works and the secrets to its success.
I'm very excited about Get Unstuck & Get
Going. It's taken 6 years and over 10 different
prototypes to be finally able to bring
a tool this good to the world. I hope you'll
consider buying one, and I hope very much
you'll be able to get unstuck and get going
on the stuff that matters to you.
PS: If you have any problems with the ordering
process please let me know. Email me here
at michael@boxofcrayons.biz or
call me at +1 (416) 532-1322.
Terrific
resource for coaches
Vancouver
coach Rey Carr's site, Peer Resources (www.peer.ca),
is handy to check out if you're a coach or
one of those thinking about becoming a coach.
He lists all the coaching schools (167
at last count), together with newsletters,
websites, conferences and other bits and
pieces that it's useful to know about.
He's also just accorded Outside
the Lines the honour of being newsletter of the month – thanks
Rey, that's something of which I'm pleased
and proud!
Michael Bungay Stanier helps people, teams and organizations to get unstuck
and get going on the stuff that matters. You can find out more at www.boxofcrayons.biz or
you can contact him directly at Michael@BoxOfCrayons.biz or
+1 (416) 532-1322.
To subscribe to Outside the Lines click
here. If you have any trouble
accessing this link send a blank email
to subs@BoxofCrayons.biz.
Outside the Lines is distributed
on the 2nd Thursday of every month. Your
contact information is never traded, never
rented, never sold.
©Box of Crayons 2004-2005. Box
of Crayons is a registered trading name
of Maida CC Inc.
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